6 March 2005

Sure when I was in Ohio… when I
should have been crying like a baby… I couldn’t.

Now I’m at
work… a place where I should be professional.  A place where I should put my personal
affairs aside.  A place where I
should turn my emotions off.  But it
is now that I feel like breaking down.
It is now that I feel the urge to let it out.  And now I must hold it in.  Well, I’m sure if I just burst
into tears people would understand but I dunno.  I think it’s harder here because
EVERYTHING reminds me of him.
Everything makes me miss him more and more.  And here I am dealing with everything
alone.  I don’t have support
like I did in Ohio.  I don’t have any help or comfort
here.  Sure I have a few friends
like Brooke and Nate… but it’s not the same.  In Ohio I had people left and right.  I had people there even when I
didn’t want them there.  I am
always alone in the apartment.  This
used to feel good.  I loved being
alone.  I loved having the place to
myself.  Now I feel so empty. I feel
completely dismantled.  I wonder how
things would be if Jeremy just came back.
If he walked in… and woke me up…if I realized that this
whole thing was just a really long nightmare.  How would it be?  Or if this was like the movie, “Family
Man”.  (Where he gets to see
how his life would be if he got married and had children instead of being alone
as a workaholic. – It ends up not being real… but the realization
causes him to reunite with the love of his life… and he decides he would
rather be a family man than a business man.)  Anyway… I wonder if this was just
a glimpse.  And tomorrow I will wake
up Sunday 6 February 2005 at around 8 am… refreshed… I would wake
up a different person… I would wake up enlightened.  I would run to the phone to call my
hubby.  To let him know I love
him.  I would let him know I was
sorry for the times I was a brat.  I
would tell him I missed him and couldn’t wait to see him again.  Then he would be like, “Joy,
what’s gotten into you?”
And I wouldn’t tell him about my glimpse… I would just
say…, “Oh nothing… I just had a dream I lost you and it felt
so real… I don’t ever want to feel that way again.”

This stuff only
happens in movies… I hate it because it gives me hope.  I subconsciously think something like
that could turn this all around.  I
didn’t think this would sit this heavily on my heart.  I mean I knew it would hurt for a long
time… but I had no idea it would be this … I don’t even have
a word for what I am right now.

Tonight when I fall
asleep… and today turns into tomorrow… at 3:18 am… it will be
one month since I lost him.  Since
Jeremy left this earth.  It’s
been one month already wow.  So much
has happened… It’s amazing… you never stop to think that
something like this would happen.
Everything is taken for granted.
It’s so incredibly sad that something like this has to happen to
open people’s eyes… God, I’m sorry.

I took it all for
granted.  If I didn’t I wouldn’t have treated those I love the way I
did… I would have shown my gratefulness.  I should have just believed it could
happen… and lived each day as if it were my last… Sometimes you
should just take someone’s word for it… it doesn’t always
have to happen for you to believe it.
Believing is seeing right???
I want to believe that Jeremy is in heaven and he can look down on us
and see how we miss him… and see how he has impacted so many lives.  I want to be able to believe this
without seeing him… without him giving me a sign… without him
appearing as a ghost… I shouldn’t need that to believe he is still
alive somewhere!  How does one have
that much faith???  I want… I
need faith like that.