6 March 2005 <=
o:p>
Sure when I wa=
s in Ohio… when=
I
should have been crying like a baby… I couldn’t.
Now I’m =
at
work… a place where I should be professional. A place where I should put my pers=
onal
affairs aside. A place where I
should turn my emotions off. =
But it
is now that I feel like breaking down.&nbs=
p;
It is now that I feel the urge to let it out. And now I must hold it in. Well, I’m sure if I just bur=
st
into tears people would understand but I dunno. I think it’s harder here bec=
ause
EVERYTHING reminds me of him.
Everything makes me miss him more and more. And here I am dealing with everyth=
ing
alone. I don’t have sup=
port
like I did in Ohio. I don’t have any help or com=
fort
here. Sure I have a few frien=
ds
like Brooke and Nate… but it’s not the same. In Ohio I had people left and right. I had people there even when I
didn’t want them there. I am
always alone in the apartment. This
used to feel good. I loved be=
ing
alone. I loved having the pla=
ce to
myself. Now I feel so empty. =
I feel
completely dismantled. I wond=
er how
things would be if Jeremy just came back.&=
nbsp;
If he walked in… and woke me up…if I realized that this
whole thing was just a really long nightmare. How would it be? Or if this was like the movie, =
220;Family
Man”. (Where he gets to=
see
how his life would be if he got married and had children instead of being a=
lone
as a workaholic. – It ends up not being real… but the realizati=
on
causes him to reunite with the love of his life… and he decides he wo=
uld
rather be a family man than a business man.) Anyway… I wonder if this was=
just
a glimpse. And tomorrow I wil=
l wake
up Sunday 6 February 2005 at around 8 am… refreshed… I would wa=
ke
up a different person… I would wake up enlightened. I would run to the phone to call my
hubby. To let him know I love
him. I would let him know I w=
as
sorry for the times I was a brat. I
would tell him I missed him and couldn’t wait to see him again. Then he would be like, “Joy,
what’s gotten into you?”
And I wouldn’t tell him about my glimpse… I would just
say…, “Oh nothing… I just had a dream I lost you and it f=
elt
so real… I don’t ever want to feel that way again.”
This stuff only
happens in movies… I hate it because it gives me hope. I subconsciously think something l=
ike
that could turn this all around. I
didn’t think this would sit this heavily on my heart. I mean I knew it would hurt for a =
long
time… but I had no idea it would be this … I don’t even h=
ave
a word for what I am right now.
Tonight when I=
fall
asleep… and today turns into tomorrow… at 3:18 am… it wil=
l be
one month since I lost him. S=
ince
Jeremy left this earth. It=
217;s
been one month already wow. S=
o much
has happened… It’s amazing… you never stop to think that
something like this would happen.
Everything is taken for granted.&nb=
sp;
It’s so incredibly sad that something like this has to happen =
to
open people’s eyes… God, I’m sorry.
I took it all =
for
granted. If I didn’t I wouldn’t have treated those I love the way I
did… I would have shown my gratefulness. I should have just believed it cou=
ld
happen… and lived each day as if it were my last… Sometimes you
should just take someone’s word for it… it doesn’t always
have to happen for you to believe it.
Believing is seeing right???
I want to believe that Jeremy is in heaven and he can look down on us
and see how we miss him… and see how he has impacted so many lives. I want to be able to believe this
without seeing him… without him giving me a sign… without him
appearing as a ghost… I shouldn’t need that to believe he is st=
ill
alive somewhere! How does one=
have
that much faith??? I wantR=
30; I
need faith like that.